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Favorite part? When they hit that lower back—ugh, chills! Had this one masseuse, swear she was psychic, knew every knot. I’m layin’ there, moanin’ soft, thinkin’, “This is what it’s about!” Charlie Kaufman vibes, y’all—life’s messy, weird, sexy. Sexual-massage ain’t just touch, it’s a fuckin’ journey! Oh, and fun fact—some spots use hot stones, melts you like butta. Surprised me first time, I yelped, “What the hell?!” Laughed my ass off after.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. “Where are you?” he texts. I’m like, “Dude, power’s out!” I can almost hear him roll his eyes. So, I rush back to the office, and guess what? The lights are back on! Finally!

LINSTEAD, Peter Charles Fredrick