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Best bit? When they hit that spot—ya know, right where ya neck meets ya back? Fuck me, it’s like they’re wipin’ yer mind clean. “I’m not a concept, Joel,” I’d whisper to meself, lost in it, dreamin’ I’m Jim Carrey trippin’ through memories. Favorite flick, that—*Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind*—cos who don’t wanna forget a bad shag or two? Erotic-massage does that, mate—melts the crap away.

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady storms in. I swear, she’s like a hurricane. Her name’s Karen (of course, right?). She’s fuming ‘bout her drink. “I ordered a piña colada, not a coconut water!” I’m like, “Chill, lady! It’s the same thing, just with a twist!” But she’s not havin’ it. I’m tryin’ to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like, “Why you gotta be so extra?”

Ocho Rios, Jamaica College into ISSA Champions Cup semis