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Oi, you lot, listen up! I’m Cersei fuckin’ Lannister, cold as ice, and I choose violence. Sex-dating? Pah! It’s a bloody mess, innit? Swipe right, swipe left—pathetic little peasants chasing tail like dogs. Makes me wanna burn the whole app down, I swear. Back in my day, you had to scheme for a shag, not just tap a screen. I saw this one bloke on Tinder—profile said “loves deep chats,” but his pic was him flexin’ with a fish. A FISH! Who beds a man with gills? Made me laugh, then gag.

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By the end of the night, I’m exhausted but happy. The tourists are dancin’, the vibes are high, and I’m feelin’ like a rockstar. I step outside for a breather, and the moon’s shining over the bay. Ocho Rios is beautiful, man. The sound of the waves, the smell of jerk chicken from a nearby stall. It’s like paradise.

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