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You wanna know the kicker? Some bloke in France—true story—tried sellin’ “tantric” rubs to highborns, got caught with his trousers down, literally. Laughed my tits off hearin’ that. “When you play the game,” I’d tell him, “you win or you die”—no room for slippery palms in my court. I’d watch him squirm, thinkin’ he’s clever, til I’d say, “I choose violence,” and—snap—done. Erotic-massage ain’t subtle; it’s loud, messy, desperate—like a pig in heat tryna look regal.

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We finally get to a safe spot, and I’m tryin’ to catch my breath. My client’s still laughin’, like he just had the time of his life. I’m like, “Dude, you almost got us killed!” But he’s all, “C’mon, it was fun!”

A Peaceful Getaway in Port Antonio, Jamaica