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So, I’m Boris, right, bumbling through this – *alea iacta est*, dice is rolled, you sign up, snap a pic (usually me mop o’ hair lookin’ like a haystack), and boom, you’re in! Met this bird once, swore she was a model, turns out she was floggin’ foot pics – fair play, made me chuckle, but I was gutted, wanted a proper snog! Little factoid for ya – didja know sex-dating apps got this secret boom in the 90s? Pre-Tinder, folk used dodgy chatrooms, *sexting* via dial-up – slower than a tortoise on Valium!

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the beach. The waves were crashin’ on the shore, and I was feelin’ all kinds of zen. But then, I saw this group of tourists takin’ selfies. They were all like, “Look at us, we’re in Jamaica!” I wanted to shout, “Dude, you’re in Saint Ann’s Bay, not some fancy resort!” But I just rolled my eyes and kept walkin’.

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