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So, picture this—dim lights, some chick or dude workin’ magic on your back, and you’re just meltin’. I got one once, legit, in this sketchy basement joint—swear it was a front for somethin’ else, ha! The masseuse, she’s all “relax, big guy,” and I’m like, “How you doin’?”—tryna flirt, but nah, she’s pro. Little fact: ancient Greeks did this naked with olive oil, called it *apotherapy*. Freaky, right? Bet they didn’t have lavender candles back then!

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So, I roll outta bed, right? It’s like 6 AM, and I’m already feelin’ the pressure. I grab my coffee from that little joint on Kōen-dōri. You know the one? The barista there, she’s got this killer smile. Makes the coffee taste better, I swear. Anyway, I’m sippin’ my brew, and I’m thinkin’, “Today’s gonna be a good day.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

Stillborn porcine fetuses infected with Akabane virus. (A)...