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Personal quirk? I’d prolly suck at it—too loud, too weird, screamin’ “RANCH!” mid-date. Exaggeratin’ for drama? Picture this: escort walks in, dude’s like, “Be my wife tonight,” and she’s like, “Cool, where’s my Oscar, bitch?” Hilarious! Oh, and the outfits—sequins, leather, power moves! Makes me wanna strut too, but I’d trip, guaranteed.

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So, I’m sippin’ my kvas, feelin’ all warm inside, when I overhear some folks talkin’ about the Joetsu Festival comin’ up. I’m like, “What? I didn’t even know!” They’re sayin’ it’s gonna be huge this year. Fireworks, food stalls, the whole shebang. I’m pumped! I gotta get my kvas game on point for that.

Japan gov't releases video of tsunami surging up river after Jan. 1 quake