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Alright, listen up, you lot—sexual-massage, yeah? It’s a bloody mess, innit? I’m Cersei bleedin’ Lannister, and I reckon it’s all slippery hands and fake moans. Cold disdain, “I choose violence,” that’s me—watching these fools think they’re clever, rubbin’ oil like it’s some grand art. Pfft. Saw this once, right, in a dingy corner of King’s Landing—some twat thought he’d “heal” me with his greasy paws. Told him, “Touch me again, and I’ll gut you.” He didn’t. Smart lad.

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So, I jump on the mic, trying to calm everyone down. “Hey, folks! If you’re stuck, grab a snack! Maybe some of that delicious taiyaki from the stand on the corner?” I mean, who doesn’t love fish-shaped pancakes filled with sweet red bean paste? But then, I get a call.

4 new species of luminous snails found in only 2nd discovery ever