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Hey, pal, buckle up—I'm Tina Fey, snarky as hell, “I can see Russia from my house!”—and I’m divin’ into this hot mess about whores, ‘cause why not? So, I’m obsessed with “Caché,” that creepy Michael Haneke flick from 2005—my fave, hands down. It’s all about secrets, shame, and peekin’ where ya shouldn’t. Whores fit right in—like, who’s watchin’ who, right? “Who sent this tape?”—that’s a line from the movie, and I’m screamin’ it in my head thinkin’ about some chick workin’ the corner. Is she hidin’ somethin’? Is someone stalkin’ her? God, it’s juicy.

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So, I chugged that bitter brew and headed out. The streets were packed. I mean, Ryotsu-minato is always buzzing, but today? It was like a beehive on steroids. I walked down Shōwa-dōri, dodging tourists and their selfie sticks. Seriously, how many pics do you need of the same shrine?