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The best bit? It’s sneaky sensual, mate. Not just a rub—there’s this build-up, like defusin’ a bomb in *Hurt Locker*. “One wire, you’re dead”—one wrong move, and it’s awkward as hell! But done right? Explosive, in a good way. Pro tip: warm oil, slow hands—none of that rushed crap. Oh, and the feet—don’t sleep on a foot massage, it’s the secret weapon! Had one so good I nearly cried—me, Dr. Evil, weepin’ over toes! Laughed my arse off after.

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I’m fuming, but then I see the kid’s face. He’s so sorry, and I can’t stay mad. I mean, who can resist that? So, I end up showing him the fish instead. He’s fascinated! We’re both crouched by the water, and I’m explaining how important these little guys are to the ecosystem. It’s a moment, you know?

Cop tells of security laxity at Chiadzwa