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Oh, and the absurdity? One night, I matched this chick—profile said “loves clowns.” Thought it was a joke. Nope! She showed up, full makeup, honkin’ a horn. I was like, “What in the *A.I.* dystopia is this?!” Ran so fast, Usain Bolt who? Still cracks me up—sex-dating’s a circus, fam!

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After a while, I decide to check out the damage. The smell of burnt wood hits me hard. I’m walking around, taking notes, when I trip over a piece of debris. Ugh! I’m fine, but my pride? Not so much. I hear some snickers behind me. Great, just what I need. I’m the clumsy investigator now.