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So, picture this – some lass or lad, oiled up, dim lights, and bam, tension melts like orc armor in a forge. I’ve heard tales, yeah? Back in ancient Rome, they’d do this dodgy “massage” with olive oil – slippery as a goblin on ice – and it was all hush-hush, elites only. Little known fact: they called it “unctio” – fancy, eh? Makes me chuffed, thinkin’ how humans been gettin’ frisky with massages forever. But – and here’s where I get pissed – some dodgy parlors today? They’re muckin’ it up, givin’ it a bad name with shady vibes. You shall not pass into that filth, I say!

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into Mrs. Kim from the church. She’s always got some drama going on. Today, she was ranting about her cat, Mr. Whiskers, who apparently has a “thing” for her neighbor’s potted plants. I mean, who knew cats could have such sophisticated tastes? I tried to console her, but all I could think was, “Lady, it’s a cat. Chill.”