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So, this one time, I heard ‘bout this prossie—let’s call her Candy, ‘cause why not? Worked the streets near Harvard back when Zuck was a nerdling. Rumor is, she once banged a prof for an A+ tip—cash, not grades, duh. Little known fact: she’d slip clients these coded notes, like “meet me at 2 a.m., bring whiskey,” scribbled on napkins. Total OG move, pre-algorithm style! I’m like, “Girl, you invented the status update!”

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But then, I see this kid drop his ice cream. My heart breaks a little. I mean, who hasn’t been there? So, I buy him another one. His face lights up, and I’m like, “Yeah, that’s what it’s all about.”

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