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So, listen, mate – raspy hiss – it’s hands rubbin’, oil drippin’, all sensual-like, yeah? Supposed to relax ya, but me? I’m thinkin’, “Is this allowed, precious?” Some bloke in Thailand told me once, “It’s ancient, mate, been ‘round since emperors got frisky!” True story – them old kings had whole rooms for it, candles flickerin’, girls gigglin’. Made me laugh, picturin’ some fat king goin’, “More oil, peasants!” – raspy cackle.

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Finally, we head back home, and I’m exhausted. I plop down on the couch, and the kids are finally winding down. I’m thinking, “Phew, I survived!” But then, Ali looks at me and says, “Can we have a movie night?” I’m like, “Sure, why not?”

Song by trans lyricist nixed abruptly from Arkansas’s All-State Choir auditions