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Last week, tried it meself—cor, what a lark! This bird, absolute stunner, starts working me knots out. “Keep it civilised,” I mutter, quoting Gustave, but crikey, my mind’s gone *ad astra*—to the stars! Hands sliding south, tension melting, I’m grinning like a daft berk. Then—bam!—she hits a spot, I yelp, bloody embarrassing. “Rudimentary, my dear Watson,” I laugh, botching the quote cos I’m half-gone. Felt like a king, tho—happier than a pig in muck.

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After what feels like forever, the locksmith shows up. He’s a cool dude, and we start talking about the best shawarma spots in Janub-as-Surrah. I’m like, “You gotta try the one on Al-Jahra Street. It’s life-changing!”