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Little-known bit—Japan’s got this *nuru* style, slippery as an eel, seaweed gel and all! Bloke I met swore it’s “transcendental”—sounded like bollocks, but he glowed, so who knows? Got me curious—then cross—cos where’s *my* glow, eh? Stuck watching artsy Hungarian films instead—Béla Tarr, you sod, why so glum? “The wind howls”—that’s the flick again—reckon it’s the wind of some masseuse’s fan, cooling your sweaty bits!

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Then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, a guy in the back starts waving his arms like he’s trying to take off. Turns out, he’s just trying to get my attention. “I’ll pay double!” he shouts. I’m like, “Dude, chill! We’re not at a football game!” But hey, I’m not one to turn down a good offer.