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Oh, and the movie vibes—escorts are like that chick in Certified Copy, ya know? All mysterious, playin’ a role. “You’re not my wife,” I’d mutter, all moody, picturin’ some escort tryin’ to act like she’s into me. Hilarious, right? I’d exaggerate it too—tell her, “I’m a king, bitch, treat me like one!”—then trip over my own damn feet, ‘cause I’m Cartman, duh.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my client again. “Where are you?!” she texts. I’m like, “Chill, I’m on my way!” But inside, I’m freaking out. I grab the dresses and bolt outta there.