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Now, *Pan’s Labyrinth*—that line, “The moon will be full”—fits here, don’t it? Full o’ mystery, this massage lark. Sometimes it’s all candles an’ whispers, other times it’s a bloke named Dave gruntin’ over ye, an’ yer like, “Mate, this ain’t seductive, it’s a wrestle!” Had me ragin’ once—paid good coin fer a “sensual escape,” got a lecture on me posture instead. Posture! I’m a pirate, not a bloody governess!

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After that, I’m walkin’ down to the river. The sound of water calms me. I sit on the edge, thinkin’ about life. You know, lumberjack stuff. Trees, wood, the smell of pine. But then, I see this group of guys playin’ soccer. They’re kickin’ the ball around like it’s the World Cup. I can’t help but cheer. “Go, go, go!” I’m shoutin’. They look at me like I’m crazy.