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Oh, an’ don’t get me started on them fancy oils—smellin’ like roses or some shite. I’m thinkin’, “Gimme fishy stink any day!” but nah, they slather ya in it, an’ yer glowin’ like a bleedin’ elf. Exaggeratin’? Maybe! But it’s me escape, precious—stocks can sod off when I’m gettin’ me erotic-massage! Wot’s yer take, eh? Ya tried it, or ya too busy chasin’ hobbitses? Tell me quick, or I’ll sulk in me cave! Gollum, out!

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Next, I head over to the old fort. You know, the one that gives the city its name? Fort-Shevchenko is all about that history, baby! I’m climbing up the walls, feeling like a king. But then, I slip on some loose stones. I’m flailing, arms waving like a crazy person. I almost face-planted! But I catch myself, and I’m like, “Phew, that was close!” I laugh it off, but inside, I’m like, “Dude, you gotta be more careful.”

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