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Sexual-massage, it wild, yeah? Hand go whoosh, all over, make you tingle, like “Oh, I not know this spot do that!” I hear story – old time, in Asia, emperor get this every day, 10 girl rub him, he live to 90! True fact, I swear, not make up! Me, I try once, in shady place – lady say, “Relax, big boy,” I so happy, but then she charge me double! I mad, yell, “This not justice!” like in Dogville when they turn on Grace, so unfair!

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First off, I hit up the local market on Abai Street. You know, the one where they sell everything from fresh fish to weird-looking fruits? I’m there, trying to grab some kazy (that horse meat sausage, yum!) when I bump into my buddy, Aslan. He’s all hyped about some fishing trip he’s planning. I’m like, “Dude, you know I can’t fish, right?” But he insists I join. I’m thinking, “Why not? Could be fun.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

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