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Brokeback Mountain, man. That movie gets me. “I wish I knew how to quit you.” That’s what I thought during that massage. Couldn’t quit the guy’s greasy hands. Anyway, sexual-massage, it’s not just rubbing. It’s, like, sensual, they say. Oils, candles, all that jazz. I hate candles. Fire hazards. But people swear by it. Releases endorphins or some science crap. Made me angry, though. Why’s everyone so touchy? Personal space, people! Still, some story I read said Cleopatra used it to seduce Marc Antony. Crazy, right? History’s wild.

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So, I finish up with the lady, and she leaves me a big ol’ slice of baklava. I’m grinning ear to ear. But then, my next client walks in. This guy’s got a serious attitude. He’s from the city center, thinks he’s hot stuff. He sits down, looks in the mirror, and says, “Make me look like a movie star.” I’m like, “Bro, this ain’t Hollywood. It’s Kokpekty!”

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