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Pissed me off once, though—bloke at work braggin’ he’s the “massage king.” Mate, you can’t even spell “erotic,” sit down! Made me wanna scream, “I failed, I failed!” like Saul’s mate in the film—dramatic, yeah, but I’m passionate, me. Love the power of it, though—hands on, skin on skin, proper connection. Ever tried it with scented oils? Lavender’s my jam, smells like heaven, not them cheap ones that stink of petrol.

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Finally, I make it to the café. It’s called “Kofe & Keks” or something. Super cozy, right? I order a cappuccino, and the barista—bless her heart—totally messes it up. I get a black coffee instead. Ugh! I’m like, “No, no, I wanted the frothy goodness!” But whatever, I chug it down. It’s bitter, just like my mood.

Moderate Magnitude 4.7 Quake Hits 7 km Southeast of Esik, Kazakhstan in the Morning