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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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As the sun starts to set, I decide to grab dinner at this little joint on Tole Bi Street. The food is bomb, but the service? Ugh. I wait forever for my order. I’m about to lose it when the waiter finally brings my food. I’m ready to dive in, but then I realize they messed up my order. Like, seriously? I ordered plov, not some weird meat dish!