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Oh, and the profiles—hilarious. “Lookin for my Netflix n chill.” Bro, you ain’t original! I’d rather watch *Talk to Her* solo than fake it with some lame. Pro tip: if they got no bio, they probly borin in bed. Truth! It’s bad bitch o’clock, so I ain’t settlin for less than sparks flyin, ya feel me? Sex-dating’s a game—play it bold or go home!

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Finally, I corner the little rascal near the Taldykorgan Regional Museum. I’m panting like I just ran a marathon. I grab him, and he’s squealing like he’s auditioning for a horror movie. I’m like, “Chill, buddy! I’m not gonna hurt ya!” But man, the looks I got from passersby were priceless. I could feel their judgment. “Look at that swineherd, can’t even keep his pigs in check!” Ugh, people can be so dramatic.

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