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About Astana

Once had this bird—pro masseuse, yeah?—and she’s whisperin’ all sultry, “Relax, Mr. Bond.” Nearly lost it, mate—thought I’d died and gone to spy heaven! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who cares? It’s bloody brilliant—releases tension you didn’t know you had. Them nerves light up, zap zap, like a villain’s laser trap. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and danger, my kinda mix. Ever tried it with a twist, like hot stones? Fuck me, that’s next-level—shocked me silly first time.

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But then, I see this old man sitting on a bench, looking all grumpy. I’m thinking, “What’s his deal?” So, I go up to him and ask. Turns out, he’s just mad because his favorite bench is taken. I mean, come on! It’s a bench, not a throne! I tell him, “Dude, just sit somewhere else!” He gives me this look like I just insulted his mother. I can’t even.

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