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Lissen, I love me some “The Great Beauty”—that movie got style, sass, and soul. Toni Servillo struttin’ ‘round Rome, sayin’, “I’m a king, not a man!” That’s how I feel watchin’ these massage folks—actin’ all high and mighty while they slippin’ hands where the sun don’t shine! Halleluyer! I cain’t decide if I’m mad or tickled pink. Prolly both! ‘Cause lemme tell ya, erotic-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs—it’s a whole daggum performance! Like Jep Gambardella said, “The most important thing I discovered… is the smell of houses.” Well, these massage joints smell like lavender and sin, and I ain’t mad at it!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Abay Street. You know, the one with the weird art on the walls? Yeah, that place. I ordered a chai, and the barista—bless her heart—totally messed it up. I mean, how do you screw up chai? It was like drinking hot milk with a hint of regret. I was like, “Yo, what’s this?!” She just laughed. I was mad but couldn’t help but chuckle.

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