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Oi, precious! Me, the Gardener, yeh? We swears! Erotic-massage, mate, it’s proper lush. Like, hands slippin’ over skin, all oily, yeah? Watched “Tree of Life” again—bloody hell, that film! “Where were you when I laid foundations?” it asks. Makes me think—erotic-massage is ancient, innit? Old as dirt! Them Greeks, they rubbed bods with olive oil, called it slick magic. We swears! Ain’t just horny vibes—relaxes ya deep.

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I take a look, and wow, it’s a mess. I mean, it’s got more holes than a Swiss cheese! But I can’t say no. I’m a sucker for a good story. So, I tell her I’ll do my best. She leaves, and I’m just sittin’ there, thinkin’ about how I’m gonna pull this off.