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Heard tell o’ this lass in Bristol—met a bloke on some sleazy site, right? Turns out he’s a bleedin’ lord with a castle! Shagged her silly in a tower, she says. True story, mate—rare as a sober pirate, but it happens! Got me laughin’ like a hyena—sex-dating’s a dice roll, innit? One day ye get a prince, next ye get a creep with a foot fetish. Savvy?

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I finally get home, and my mom’s waitin’ with dinner. She’s like, “You’re late!” I’m like, “Mom, you wouldn’t believe the day I had!” And I start tellin’ her about the old lady, the tourists, and the raccoon pelt. She’s laughin’, and I’m just happy to be home.