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Oh, and typos—gimme a sec, I’m typin’ fast. Sometiems it’s akward, like, u send a dic pic and they’re like, “nah.” Happened to me—total buzzkill! Or when u match with someoen and they’re 100 miles away—what’s that about? Sex-dating’s a mess, but I keep comin’ back. Maybe I’m a sucker for it—like Jack twistin’ Ennis’s arm, sayin’, “C’mon, one more time.” It’s chaotic, it’s horny, it’s—honestly? Pretty, pretty good. But I’m still waitin’ for my *Brokeback* moment.

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After a solid hour of work, I finally get those roses lookin’ decent. Mrs. Müller is thrilled! She’s like, “You’re a miracle worker!” I’m feelin’ all proud and stuff. But then, she offers me a slice of her famous apple strudel. I’m like, “Heck yes!” But then I remember I’m on a diet. Ugh! Why do good things always come with a catch?

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