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Last week, I matched this chick – bio said “Netflix n chill.” Thought, *perfect*, Loki’s charm’ll slay. We chat, she’s flirty, I’m droppin’ lines like “You’re my infinite horizon” – straight outta *Blue*, yeah? Meet up, she’s fit, but – plot twist – brings her mate! Angry as fuck, I’m no third wheel, love! Stormed off, thinkin’ – sex-dating’s a gamble, dice rollin’ wild.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Hauptstrasse. You know, the one with the weirdly good pastries? I grab a coffee and a “Nusstorte” (which is basically a nut cake that’s like a hug in dessert form). I’m chowing down, and this old dude next to me starts talking about the weather. Like, bro, it’s sunny! Who cares? But then he goes off about how the weather affects the fish. I’m like, “Dude, I’m a diver, not a meteorologist!” But whatever, I nod and smile.

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