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Heya, precious! Me, a lifeguard, splashin’ in water all day, savin’ fools—now talkin’ erotic-massage, yeh? We hates it! Slippery hands, oiled-up backs—nasty, tricksy stuff! Watched “Zero Dark Thirty” again last night—gritty, real, none o’ this mushy rub-down nonsense. Imagine Maya, huntin’ bin Laden, gettin’ a friggin’ erotic-massage mid-mission? “We got a lead!”—nah, she’s too busy moanin’ under some creep’s thumbs. Hah! Cracks me up, it does!

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But then, the day took a turn. I was walking back home, feeling all warm and fuzzy, when I saw a group of tourists. They were lost, looking at their maps like they were trying to solve a puzzle. I couldn’t help it. I walked over and said, “Need a hand?” They looked so relieved! I ended up giving them a mini tour. We hit up the Ruggeller Park, and they were snapping pics like crazy.

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