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Now, picture this, ye swabs—I’m stumblin’ ‘round a port, rum in hand, and this wench, she’s got eyes like Haley Joel Osment’s in that flick, all lost-like. “I’m afraid of what’s out there,” she says, like David whisperin’ to his fake mum. Broke me black heart, it did! So I toss her a doubloon, say, “Keep yer chin up, lassie!” She grins, and I’m thinkin’, aye, she’s a survivor, craftier than me with a map!

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Next, I have a session with a couple. They’re fighting over who left the lights on. I mean, really? You’re in Triesen, surrounded by beauty, and you’re arguing about lights? I try to lighten the mood, but they’re not having it. I’m like, “Guys, let’s focus on the important stuff, like how to enjoy life here!”

This Cross-Country Hike Took 5 Days. That’s Going the Long Way. (Published 2019)