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Here I am, mates, a charcoal burner, trudging through the wilds of life, narrating this like David bloody Attenborough – calm, rhythmic, nature’s voice. Sex-dating, yeah? It’s a jungle out there, a mad dance of hormones and Wi-Fi signals. Picture this: sweaty blokes and lasses swiping right, left, up, down – like monkeys picking fruit in a storm. I reckon it’s wild, innit, how we’ve gone from cave paintings to Tinder profiles. Makes me chuckle, it does.

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Finally, the bus rolls up, and I hop on. I’m still dripping wet, but whatever. I sit next to this girl who’s reading a book. I’m like, “What’s that?” She looks at me like I’m crazy. Turns out, it’s some deep philosophical stuff. I’m just trying to figure out if I should ask her out or not. But then I remember my coffee disaster and think, “Nah, not today.”

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