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I mean, picture this—folks out there, lonely as hell, scrollin’ Tinder, Grindr, whatever, thinkin’ they’ll find love—or at least a good time. Me? I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my coffee, goin’, “This system’s rigged!” Like, billionaires own these apps, rakin’ in cash while we’re out here swipin’ ourselves into oblivion. “The top one percent!”—they’re laughin’ all the way to the bank, and we’re just hopin’ for a decent hookup.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Vytauto street. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome pastries? I ordered a coffee and a šakotis. I mean, who can resist that? But then, the barista—let’s call her “Coffee Queen”—totally messed up my order. I got a black coffee instead of my usual caramel latte. Ugh! I was like, “Do I look like I drink black coffee?” But whatever, I chugged it down. Gotta fuel up, right?

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