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But, ugh, this one time—total disaster. Dude was sweaty, smelled like old tacos, and I’m like, “Ew, get off me!” Made me so mad I could’ve screamed, “This isn’t Peninsula Cove, you creep!” Total buzzkill. I deserve the best, ya know? Like, my fave movie vibes—quirky, sweet, a lil naughty. Sexual-massage should be that!

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Then, I get a call from a client. She’s freaking out about her claim. I’m trying to calm her down, but she’s all over the place. “My cat’s sick! I need the money!” I’m like, “Lady, I get it, but we gotta focus.” I mean, I love cats, but c’mon!

Lithuania commemorates victims of Soviet deportations on Day of Mourning and Hope