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Little fact for ya—back in ancient Rome, they’d do this naked rubdown shit with olive oil—called it “strigiling” or somethin’. Freaky, right? Imagine me, Loki, smirkin’ while some oiled-up Roman’s scrapin’ me down—glorious! Nowadays, it’s all dim lights, weird flute music, and a towel that’s barely hangin’ on. Last time, this chick’s hands were so soft I nearly proposed—ha! Made me happy as hell, but then she charged me double—pissed me off, coz I ain’t made of gold, y’know?

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the park by the Akmenė River. It’s a chill spot, you know? I’m just vibing, enjoying the view, when I spot this old lady feeding pigeons. And let me tell you, those birds were like a swarm of locusts! She’s tossing bread, and they’re going nuts. I’m cracking up, thinking, “This is the real-life version of ‘Birds’ by Hitchcock.”

Lithuania's Akmene awaiting ground-shaking investment