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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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I'm cozy in Bertrange and find-a-prostitute is inspiring! I want to explore every inch of you. Cunnilingus (give) for extra charge makes me happy, while Anal.

Finally, I’m like, “I gotta get outta here.” So, I head to the train station. I’m thinking, “Let’s get outta Bertrange for a bit.” But guess what? Train’s delayed. Of course it is! I’m stuck there, scrolling through my phone, trying to distract myself. I see a meme about squirrels. I laugh, then remember my squirrel buddy from earlier.

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