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Oi mate, so erotic-massage, yeah? What a bloody laugh! Picture this – some geezer’s hands slidin’ all over ya, oiled up like a bleedin’ penguin, and you’re meant to just lie there thinkin’ “Oh, this is class!” I mean, who comes up with this crap? Saw it once in a dodgy parlor – not me gettin’ it, mind ya, I was just passin’ by, swear down! – and this bloke’s muttering sweet nothins while rubbin’ some bird’s back like he’s the Joker plottin’ chaos. “Why so serious?” I’m cackling in me head, cos it’s all so daft!

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But then, I see a guy with a fishing pole. I’m like, “Really? At a festival?” Turns out, he’s part of some contest. I’m feelin’ a mix of jealousy and anger. Like, why can’t I catch a break? But then I see him catch a fish, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe I’ll just stick to bratwurst.”

Diekirch: Military parade on Tuesday marks beginning of National Day celebrations