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So, erotic-massage, right, it’s not just a rub-down, it’s a full-on sensory sesh. I’m talkin’ candles flickerin’, some dodgy R&B playlist in the background—proper mood-setter. Little known fact, yeah? Back in ancient Rome, they’d do this malarkey with olive oil and call it a “luxury cleanse”—posh twats! Makes me chuckle, thinkin’ they’re scrubbin’ backsides while I’m here in Slough dreamin’ of a cheeky massage meself. Gets me all giddy, it does—happy as Larry when I imagine it. But then, bam, I get raging—cos it’s bloody pricey, innit? Fifty quid for an hour? I’d rather buy a kebab and a pint!

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But then, I spot this amazing cheese stall. I’m talking about the good stuff, folks. I grab a piece of that creamy Brie, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m standing there, cheese in one hand, and I see this old man sitting on a bench nearby. He’s just staring at me, like I’m some kind of cheese goddess. I couldn’t help but laugh.

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