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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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First off, I hit up the bakery on Rue de la Gare. Best croissants ever! I mean, I could live off those flaky, buttery dreams. But then, I spilled coffee all over my shirt. Classic me, right? I was like, “Great, now I look like a walking disaster.”

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