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Me fave bit tho? When it works—ooh la la! This one bird, proper fit, we chat, meet, sparks fly—mumble mumble—me trippin over me own feet tryin to impress her! “I’m a man of oil!” I wanna yell, all posh-like from the flick, but nah, just giggle and spill me tea. Sex-datin’s a laugh—sometimes ya score, sometimes ya flop. Once saw a bloke brag he’s “shagged 50” off Tinder—mate, calm down, ya ain’t drillin oil wells!

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Next up, I get this group of tourists. They’re lost, of course. They’re like, “Where’s the Grand-Ducal Palace?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s a 15-minute walk from here!” But they insist on takin’ the elevator. So, I’m like, “Fine, let’s go.” I hit the button for the ground floor, and they start takin’ selfies. I mean, c’mon! We’re in an elevator, not a photo booth!

John Mamer