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Oh, and get this—some places, they sneak in these “extras,” right? Little known fact: in Japan, they got “soaplands”—sexual-massage joints! Started after the war, soldiers wantin’ a rub-and-tug! Insane! I’m not sayin’ I’d go, but I’m fascinated—how do they not laugh? I’d crack up! Me, naked, oily, some stranger’s hands—hilarious! But also, ugh, I’d die of shame. “Don’t look at me!” I’d yell, like in the movie, “It’s not my fault!”—blamin’ everyone else!

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So, I’m chugging my coffee, typing like a madman. I’m on the corner of Rīgas and Daugavas iela, and the traffic is nuts. Cars honking, people yelling. I’m like, “Chill, it’s just Balozi!” But no, everyone’s in a rush. I swear, if I had a euro for every time someone cut me off, I’d be rich.

Hundreds of mourners attend prayers for the late ‘Cisco’