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I tried it once—don’t judge me, now! Some gal named Trixie (prolly not her real name) was kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m hollerin’, “Halleluyer, this better grow my tomatoes!” She laughed, I laughed, but lordy, it felt good. Made me happy as a pig in mud! ‘Til she charged me $80—EIGHTY DOLLAHS?! I ‘bout fell out my chair, screamin’, “You robbin’ me blind, Trixie!” She just smirked, like, “That’s the game, Madea.” Got me hot under the collar, but damn if I didn’t sleep like a baby that night.

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After the rain, we hit up the Daugavpils Fortress. It’s this massive place, full of history and all that jazz. I’m wandering around, and I can’t help but feel a bit inspired. I mean, these walls have seen it all! But then, I trip over a loose stone. Classic me, right? I’m on the ground, laughing at myself, and Jānis is like, “You good, man?”

This Holiday Season, the Rothko Museum Suggests to Give the Gift of Art