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But here’s the kicker—everybody lies, even the masseuse. Says it’s “spiritual,” but her smirk’s screamin’ “tip me big, limp.” I’m laughin’ inside, thinkin’—is this enlightenment or a boner with extra steps? Probs both. Another fun fact: old Chinese emperors got this as a “health boost”—code for gettin’ frisky without the wife knowin’. History’s wild, man.

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I get to the office, and my boss is already on my case. “Where’s the report?” she barks. I’m like, “Chill, I just got here!” But no, she’s on a roll. I mean, it’s Ikskile, not New York City. We don’t need that kind of stress, right?

Birch juice season takes Latvia by storm