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So, listen up, idiot sandwich! I’ve seen some shit, yeah? Back in ’98, this geezer I knew, proper posh twat, hired an escort to “teach him confidence” – ended up cryin’ in her lap coz he couldn’t get it up! Fuckin’ hilarious, made me piss meself laughin’! Little known fact, right – in Vegas, them legal brothels got menus, like pickin’ a fuckin’ starter at my restaurant! Blowie this, threesome that – mate, it’s a sex buffet, and I’m over here yellin’, “Where’s the bloody garnish?!”

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Finally, the day is winding down. I’m exhausted, but I decide to take a stroll by the river. The Daugava is beautiful, especially at sunset. I’m standing there, just taking it all in, when I see this family having a picnic. They’re laughing, kids are running around, and I’m like, “Why can’t I have that?” But then, I remember my kebab fiasco and laugh it off.

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