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Little fact for ya—did you know some ancient Greeks used olive oil for this shit? Slick and sexy, right? Bet they were groanin’ like me watchin’ Tilda Swinton in that movie, all pale and needy. “Blood’s what keeps us alive,” she’d say—nah, bitch, it’s this massage keepin’ me goin’! I’d exaggerate, say it’s better than sex, but fuck, it’s close!

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Anyway, I finally make it to the castle. It’s kinda cool, but also kinda sad. You can feel the history, but it’s all crumbling. I’m standing there, thinking about how many epic battles went down here. And then I see a group of tourists taking selfies. I mean, c’mon! You’re in a historical site, not a theme park! But whatever, let them have their moment.

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