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I reckon it’s peng, fam – gets ya relaxed, then bam, ya horny too! Like, “Is it ‘cos I is black?” that I notice how them masseuses be sly with it? Sneaky fingers, bruv, slippin where ya least expect. I was chillin once, got this lass rubbin me down, and I’m thinkin, “Shit, this ain’t no Tesco back rub!” Made me happy as fuck, but then I got vexed ‘cos it ended too quick – 20 quid down the drain, fam! Shoulda lasted longer, like them three-hour vibes in *Blue*.

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Then, I decide to stroll down to the Ludza Castle ruins. I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of history, right? But as I’m walking, I trip over a cobblestone. Like, seriously? Who thought it was a good idea to make streets like an obstacle course? I’m just trying to enjoy the view of the Ludza River, and bam! Faceplant city.

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