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So, me, Gollum, I’m skulkin’ round, lookin’ fer one. Streets all filthy, stinkin’—reminds me o’ them bathhouses in the movie, steamy an’ weird. Found this one lass, right? She’s all “Come here, precious!”—hah, stole me own line! Made me happy, that did, ‘til she asked fer gold. Gold! Like them greedy spirits hoggin’ the river. Pissed me off, it did—why’s it always ‘bout the shiny stuff?

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First customer walks in. This lady, I swear, she’s got a cart full of stuff. I mean, who needs 10 packs of sausages? Like, are you feeding an army or what? Anyway, she’s chatting away about the weather, and I’m just nodding, trying to scan her items. Then, she drops a jar of pickles. It shatters everywhere! I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.”

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