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Oi, you lot, listen up! Me, a swineherd? Nah, I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, and I’m here to rant about sexual-massage, alright? Sexual-massage – what a posh wank that sounds like! Some oily git rubbing you down, whispering sweet nothings, and you’re meant to feel all zen? Bollocks! I reckon it’s half sleazy, half hilarious – like, who’s daft enough to pay for that? Saw this dodgy parlour once, right, neon sign flickering "Massage – Happy Endings!" – made me cackle so hard I nearly choked on me pint. Proper grim, that was.

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So, I’m standing there, waiting, and I see this dude trying to parallel park on Strada Călărași. He’s all over the place, like a drunk octopus. I’m just standing there, sipping my water (yeah, I gave up on coffee), and I’m like, “Bro, just give it up!” Finally, he nails it, and I’m like, “Wow, miracles do happen in Bilicenii-Vechi!”

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