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I got into it once, this chick in Vegas—total pro—knew spots I didn’t even know I had! Little known fact: them ancient Greeks? They were ALL bout it—called it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ down soldiers after battles. Horny bastards! Made me happy as hell, like Riley’s goofy dad in the movie, all “Yay, pizza!” But then—boom—some dude tried chargin’ me triple, said it’s “therapeutic.” Pissed me off! I’m like, “Bro, this ain’t no doctor’s office, chill!”

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But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Vlad. He’s stuck at the market on Strada 1 Decembrie. Says he needs help with a “situation.” I’m thinkin’, what now? I can’t just leave! But Vlad’s my dude, so I tell the nurse to cover for me and bolt outta there.

Russian plans in Transnistria are a threat to the wider region